NASSPE2010 Section I
John William
Member of Neighbourhood Youth Group
Block 123 Anderson Road
#03-456
Singapore 123456
17 October 2012
Gordon Armsay
Chairman of the Neighbourhood Committee
23 Anderson Drive
Singapore 123023
Dear Mr Gordon
Complaint regarding increase in juvenile delinquency in neighbourhood
In the recent months, I observed that the number of juvenile delinquents in our neighbourhood has been on the rise hence, I began gathering feedback from my neighbours. I am writing you this letter to inform you that these juvenile delinquents are causing noise pollution, environmental pollution and social pollution.
During the wee hours, at night, the teenagers will strum on their guitar audaciously and sing at the top of their voices all through the night. Whenever they see an innocent and unsuspecting child, they will whistle and mock the poor, unfortunate child, probably leaving a huge emotional scar in that child. Such noise pollution is intolerable.
What is worse is that the teenagers play ball games without any consideration for the people and property that might be hurt or destroyed, respectively. After the teenagers leave, they leave litter scattered all over the floor for the cleaners to painstakingly pick up. Litter is an eyesore and will leave people a very ugly impression of our neighbourhood.
The teenagers also cause social pollution, a detrimental problem for the youth of our neighbourhood. Setting an atrocious example for the other youths in the neighbourhood and they could also start "recruiting" other youths to make even more nuisance in even more places. In order to stop the spread of such animosity, we must take action swiftly and surely.
I have also thought up a few suggestions as to how to eradicate juvenile delinquency, or at least minimise it. Firstly, a committee should be founded, with the collaboration of the Police, to recruit members of our community to patrol the neighbourhood on a daily basis. Secondly, whilst the frequency of patrolling is increased, there should be stricter enforcement of the law, ensuring that no litterer is left unpunished. Thirdly, rehabilitation should be offered to these youths to help them reintegrate into society as better people.
I hope that the problems aforementioned will be rectified as soon as possible so that the lives of the citizens of the Anderson neighbourhood can enjoy a more peaceful and less polluted environment to live, work and play in.
Thank you.
Yours Sincerely
[signature]
John William
Member of Neighbourhood Youth Group
Please do grade me out of 30 marks and leave constructive criticism so that I can improve on my future compositions. Thank you.
Sincerely,
John
John William
Member of Neighbourhood Youth Group
Block 123 Anderson Road
#03-456
Singapore 123456
17 October 2012
Gordon Armsay
Chairman of the Neighbourhood Committee
23 Anderson Drive
Singapore 123023
Dear Mr Gordon
Complaint regarding increase in juvenile delinquency in neighbourhood
In the recent months, I observed that the number of juvenile delinquents in our neighbourhood has been on the rise hence, I began gathering feedback from my neighbours. I am writing you this letter to inform you that these juvenile delinquents are causing noise pollution, environmental pollution and social pollution.
During the wee hours, at night, the teenagers will strum on their guitar audaciously and sing at the top of their voices all through the night. Whenever they see an innocent and unsuspecting child, they will whistle and mock the poor, unfortunate child, probably leaving a huge emotional scar in that child. Such noise pollution is intolerable.
What is worse is that the teenagers play ball games without any consideration for the people and property that might be hurt or destroyed, respectively. After the teenagers leave, they leave litter scattered all over the floor for the cleaners to painstakingly pick up. Litter is an eyesore and will leave people a very ugly impression of our neighbourhood.
The teenagers also cause social pollution, a detrimental problem for the youth of our neighbourhood. Setting an atrocious example for the other youths in the neighbourhood and they could also start "recruiting" other youths to make even more nuisance in even more places. In order to stop the spread of such animosity, we must take action swiftly and surely.
I have also thought up a few suggestions as to how to eradicate juvenile delinquency, or at least minimise it. Firstly, a committee should be founded, with the collaboration of the Police, to recruit members of our community to patrol the neighbourhood on a daily basis. Secondly, whilst the frequency of patrolling is increased, there should be stricter enforcement of the law, ensuring that no litterer is left unpunished. Thirdly, rehabilitation should be offered to these youths to help them reintegrate into society as better people.
I hope that the problems aforementioned will be rectified as soon as possible so that the lives of the citizens of the Anderson neighbourhood can enjoy a more peaceful and less polluted environment to live, work and play in.
Thank you.
Yours Sincerely
[signature]
John William
Member of Neighbourhood Youth Group
350 words
Please do grade me out of 30 marks and leave constructive criticism so that I can improve on my future compositions. Thank you.
Sincerely,
John
wunderbar
ReplyDeleteDear Milton
ReplyDeleteHere are my comments.
Strengths:
1) Gd format
2) Gd vocab
3) Clear explanations
Areas for improvement:
1) Salutation - "Dear Mr Gordon" is this his first name? Shd use surname "Armsay"
2) Phrasing
In the recent months, I (have) observed?
these juvenile delinquents are causing noise pollution, environmental pollution and social pollution (sounds odd).
During the wee hours, at night,(redundant - means the same thing?)
teenagers will strum on their guitar (only one guitar? used by many?)
Such noise pollution is intolerable. (not linked as this sentence comes after the point after them disturbing the child)
emotional scar ? - rather exaggerated
will leave people a very ugly?(awkward) impression of our neighbourhood.
to make even more nuisance ? awkward
committee should be founded (formed?)
no litterer (is there such a word?)is left unpunished
rehabilitation (normally for more serious offence?) should be offered to these youths to help them reintegrate (not appropriate & suitable in this context) into society
Overall Grade=
Task Fulfilment = 7/10
Language = 13/20
Total = 20/30
Keep on improving!
Thank you for your time :)
DeleteThank you for including background music - Mozart!
ReplyDeleteHooked on classics!
Dear Milton
ReplyDeleteThe tone in the last paragraph sounds al iittle demanding (will be rectified as soon as possible). It sounds like it is the Chairman's responsibility to solve the problem, but in the Q,it is to seek support and co-operation from the Chairman.
As for the names, I think local names will sound more authentic.
Mrs Kee
And last para: 'citizens' can be repleced by 'residents'.
ReplyDeleteYours sincerely, Not- Yours Sincerely